i cant put it down.and i wont! after all. a persons a person no matter how small

and when i find the controls, ill go where i like, ill go where i want to be

Fri, 29 Dec 2006 01:33:03 GMT

going to cardiff tomorrow. i hope it will be fun. i like getting away.xxxx

what you do to me baby

Wed, 03 May 2006 00:26:03 GMT

i know this is a silly thing to write on the internet but today i went to tescos for the first time in more than two weeks and it is SO wonderful to have some food in the flat! i want to wake up early tomorrow so i can eat some of this food for breakfast! actually i have to get up early. i have old age psychiatry ward round in the a.m. i feel completely crappy. BUT!!

tomorrow night tc and jamie and possibly my sis are coming round for curry and the apprentice! i cannot tell you how excited i am about this. i might even try... something new off the menu :D i am going to eat a whole naan bread as well.

i suppose id better get to bed now. tomorrow afternoon my friend carl with a c and myself are going to oxford street to try and woo this girl he fancies who works in a hairdressers! i hope i get out of the hospital in time. everything is going to be okay i know it. i cant wait to see tc tomorrow.

Sat, 12 Nov 2005 02:16:22 GMT

people who say "yadda yadda"... make me want to kill myself.

Sun, 23 Oct 2005 14:59:59 GMT

i dont want to go to the hospital today :(

sigh. id better go and get my smart clothes on.

Mon, 04 Oct 2004 17:22:06 GMT

my diet is full of cakes.

today has been a bit spazzy so far. at lunchtime i went to pret and bought an expensive sandwich and some expensive soup to match! but my God was that soup tasty. i was eating my sandwich and crossing the road and there were no cars but suddenly a cyclist popped out of nowhere and called me a fuckwit because i nearly walked into his path, which really shocked me and put me off my sandwich (but only for a minute or two). that silly, cycling fool. one day when he gets knocked over by a mother of two in an SUV he'll end up in my A and E department, and i will laugh in his sad, ugly, cycling face.

in the afternoon i learned how to take blood! it was pretty cool but i have to practice more. i felt a little bit queasy but once you concentrate on what you have to do it takes your mind off it. then i raced back to the flat because this man was coming to have a look at what i thought was damage to my bathroom ceiling from a flood that occured upstairs... and he made me feel very silly because he said if it was damage, it would have been a stain, not a crack... perhaps i am, in fact, a fuckwit. i apologised for having wasted his time and he went on his way.

now i am sitting here about to start my ethics essay and i have to present the case of the patient tomorrow in front of my communication skills group so i have plenty to be getting on with. but, all in all, its been an embarrassing sort of day.xxx

Thu, 23 Sep 2004 13:17:26 GMT

i havent been around for ages! well my sister was borrowing my laptop so i have been without a computer for a while. im at university waiting for my last lecture to start. ive been back at uni since 13th september, and ive been enjoying freshers week and met a couple of them. yesterday i went to the freshers fayre to get involved in some new stuff because i dont think i am going to do my mentoring thing again this year. i joined this thing called teddy bear hospital although i dont know much about that. i also joined something called kids first which is where you go into schools and do activities with the children enabling them to become aware about social issues, which sounds quite difficult and nerve-wracking to me, but maybe ill give it a go. something came over me, and i also joined the dance club (a mistake), and michelle forcefully coerced me into joining the hockey team (she tried to get me into women's rugby as well but i managed to get out of that one). i havent played hockey for about five years and im very unfit indeed, but i can always have a go...

ill try and read the enormous backlog of lj entries ive missed but id love it if some of you could comment here giving me a summary of your latest news. hope everyones okay.xxxx

Sun, 15 Aug 2004 04:25:20 GMT

why cant i sleep? lately it seems that i have been afflicted by the most unrelenting insomnia... i am tired inside but there is no hope of sleeping. i feel as though i have drunk some coffee laced with coca-cola, and yet all ive had to drink today was juice and water. i hardly sat down all day. it is nearly five o'clock in the morning. this is total rubbish. i read lolita for a little while. then i turned out the light. it didnt work, so i opened a window and washed my face to cool me down, with the idea it might aid the onset of slumber. that didnt work. i read a few exercised in old A level english literature "pass in a week" guide. i read an old magazine. writing on here is a last ditch attempt to get some sleep before breakfast-time. i wish i could sleep so much. i dont feel good at all when i dont get enough sleep.

oh God. was it those belgian chocolates i ate from the box? maybe my blood sugar went through the roof, and thats why i cant sleep. oh, stupid me...

passions overrated anyway

Wed, 28 Jul 2004 13:39:08 GMT

im very worried - i appear to have lost a letter that was very important and i need to find it, or face feeling like a fool for a very long time indeed.

last night was fun, they played pantera and i danced with jacki and tc. i really need to write about my holiday and the last ten days because i have been having a nice time and i dont want to forget it all... oh God i am worried about the whereabouts of this letter. i wonder where it is? id better go and find it, or else/

but then you stop and say... alright

Wed, 21 Jul 2004 16:24:56 GMT

had a brilliant night out last night with gule and lauren! havent done much today except talk on the phone to martin whose had a bit of an accident and has a poorly hand, to say the least (hes had surgery on it and is having physio). tomorrow i am going to see him to have a look at his scar. i feel really sorry for him.

i took dads trousers to the dry cleaners and posted a letter for him. now i have to tidy my room on his orders or else face his immeasurable wrath when he comes home in 45 minutes time. i really wish i didnt have so much stuff! ive had this room since i was ten and really ive just been accumulating stuff since 1994. at some point this holiday, i am going to blitz this room. i am going to get rid of all the stuff in my wardrobe that i dont wear (which is a lot), and either give it to oxfam, take it to junky styling for a revamp if its really special to me, or even... sell it on ebay, if i ever figure out how to work it. as for my other stuff filling my room, well... my problem is im too sentimental and cant get rid of anything. but im going to have to do it or someday my bedroom will fall into the kitchen downstairs, im sure. i just really need to free up some of the storage space that i DO HAVE in this room, i know i have it, its just poorly utilised. i think whats happened is that over the years ive filled up all my drawers, my cupboards and my two bookcases, and as consequence my gear has simply spilled out onto the floor and into the corners.

i HATE tidying my room, which is why i never do it very well. it just takes so long... but i have to get rid of this stuff, i have to be ruthless. after all, i suppose that none of it will go to the grave with me, unless i start setting down deposits for a tomb in the style of tutankhamun xxxx

Mon, 07 Jun 2004 02:07:58 GMT

i just realised... the essay ive just finished is the last one of the year! in your face, acute gouty arthritis! nevermind the million other things i have yet to do... hooray!xxx

the spiderman is having you for dinner tonight

Sun, 30 May 2004 16:51:00 GMT

ive not been very well the last couple of days but im better today, much better.
i dont seem to have the time or motivation to do anything at the moment. there are too few days to do what i have to do. it is impossible to walk on water even though we all hope and plan to... i think doing a degree kind of swallows you into its water and then you have to swim and swim to stay afloat, like i have had to, with six exams ive already had this year, a million essays, spidermen wanting to have you for dinner and trying to shatter your focus. tom and i got back together because being without him just felt empty and wrong and i dont go in for that extended penance thing. i just want to be concerned with here and now.

Wed, 12 May 2004 22:42:00 GMT

this exam is going to hard. ive just done some sample questions and as is their usual style, they plan to ask what they havent taught, again. why dont they teach us properly? we DO our background, extra reading, we do that... but why do we spend all those hours in lectures when theyre not actually teaching us what theyre meant to be teaching? argh...

Wed, 12 May 2004 19:19:47 GMT

have i mentioned before about my cabbie neighbour, with his wife and his little son? ive just seen them through the window, they mustve picked the wife up from work, and the little boy had a HAPPY MEAL and was wearing sunglasses! i dont know why i felt the need to notate this... but i really did think it was quite cute.

im honestly not some kind of crazed voyeur! i do my studying in the front room on the settee, you see, next to the window :)

Wed, 12 May 2004 16:08:54 GMT

lectures werent too bad today, but my day has been generally hindered by the fact that the other day i burned the inside of my mouth... i dont mean to sound like such a wimp, but i have never burned it to such an extent before. it is painful to touch, very sore, and extends from my hard palate to around my tonsils. "tonsil" is such a bizarre word. i get no enjoyment from eating or drinking ANYTHING because it all hurts, i feel like somebody removed my mandible and punched the roof of my mouth. its been like this since sunday! and all because i was greedy, and tried to eat my dinner before it had cooled. i bought some bonjela which stings at first but then cools it down, at least, and doesnt taste as bad as other ulcer-preparations. it wont make it heal quicker but at least itll make me feel better until it does.

we had lectures on ageing and ethics today, but another on statistics which i didnt understand. ive so much to do before fridays exam, and i still havent done this bloody ethics essay.

id love to go on holiday.

ENFJ - "Persuader". Outstanding leader of groups. Can be aggressive at helping others to be the best that they can be. 2.5% of total population.

Take Free Myers-Briggs Personality Test
personality tests by similarminds.com

Conscious self	Overall self

Take Free Enneagram Personality Test
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Enneagram Test Results

Type 1	Perfectionism	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	53%
Type 2	Helpfulness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	66%
Type 3	Image Awareness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	60%
Type 4	Sensitivity	\|\|\|\|\|\|	26%
Type 5	Detachment	\|\|\|\|	16%
Type 6	Anxiety	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	56%
Type 7	Adventurousness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	40%
Type 8	Aggressiveness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	56%
Type 9	Calmness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	76%

Your Conscious-Surface type is 9w8
Your Unconscious-Overall type is 1w9

Take Free Enneagram Personality Test
personality tests by similarminds.com

im not sure about the leader part, but i do have a wicked temper sometimes. we've been studying personality for this module and i have found it interesting. we've mostly been looking at how different personalities respond within the clinical setting.

isnt it funny how life events can shape ones personality? i wonder how much of what we are is actually within our control...xxx

Fri, 07 May 2004 23:05:47 GMT

i have had a wonderful and sweet week, and i opened the newpaper today and the POW images have disturbed me so much that i cried, and i have a headache and i feel like i have something in my throat. perhaps i will feel better tomorrow, which upsets me even more... i dont want to become desensitised. i want wicked acts to always shock and disgust me. i dont want to become fatalistic. and then i thought is it better to know, or not to know? and then i decided it must be better to know, because if its happening then people ought to know. this happens all the time, and the sad thing is that i dont think it will ever stop, though i wish so much that it would. i feel deeply disillusioned. i dont know how we reached a point in society where we call ourselves civil, and STILL go to war with each other because we dont agree on matters, or because we want to occupy land... we kill each other! we send young people out in camoflage and expect them to kill their fellow man (what victory); we expect them to act like animals, we take a civilised, humane person and turn them into an animal, primitive man - and then we're surprised to see that they are committing these atrocities unto people of the same red blood as they? you cant switch aspects of an animal on and off - you either have all of the animal or none of the animal.

the pictures show two sets of victims.

Sun, 02 May 2004 22:39:23 GMT

i really like my friend ratnesh. but i wish i didnt have to meet him tomorrow at 4.30pm in bow. it means ill have to leave mum and dads at 3.45pm; it hardly gives me time to do anything tomorrow, that may be deemed as fun.

i feel a bit ill. is this how its going to be until july?

"dont anybody moooove! your money or your liiiives!"

Sun, 02 May 2004 18:21:40 GMT

i have so many things i want to write about! the rag ball and my friends and how much money we raised for charity, this afternoon and what i did. but first! i must go and do some medsoc work or i am going to get in trouble. i really want to go to the pictures later with tc, but cannot allow it until some work gets done.

1. Who are you?
2. Are we friends?
3. When and how did we meet?
4. How have I affected you?
5. What do you think of me?
6. What's the fondest memory you have of me?
7. How long do you think we will be friends?
8. Do you love me?
9. Do you have a crush on me?
10. Would you kiss me?
11. Would you hug me?
12. Physically, what stands out?
13. Emotionally, what stands out?
14. Do you wish I was cooler?
15. On a scale of 1-10, how hot am I?
16. Give me a nickname and explain why you picked it. .
17. Am I loveable?
18. How long have you known me?
19. Describe me in one word.
20. What was your first impression?
21. Do you still think that way about me now?
22. What do you think my weakness is?
23. Do you think I'll get married?
24. What makes me happy?
25. What makes me sad?
26. What reminds you of me?
27. If you could give me anything what would it be?
28. How well do you know me?
29. When's the last time you saw me?
30. Ever wanted to tell me something but couldn't?
31. Do you think I could kill someone?

Wed, 28 Apr 2004 19:47:22 GMT

i just realised... other people have been taking time away from me all day today. all i want is some time to myself... i feel so run down today.

Wed, 28 Apr 2004 19:45:02 GMT

im so tired i just want to go to bed RIGHT NOW but i have to do my work.

ive had a busy few days. ive turned off my mobile to get some peace...

Sun, 25 Apr 2004 13:49:18 GMT

ive so much i want to talk about! but where shall i start? fridays exam was so hard; i didnt know a lot. i can only pray that my essay brings up the grade so that i dont fail the ssm. in better news, i found out that i had passed the human development exam! (obs, gynae and paeds) i was very pleased, and then i spotted tc outside the library, and we sat on the bench for an hour, talking about some medical things suggested as theory in this essay he has to do, and then he gave me a present - did i ever tell you how lucky you are? by dr seuss! its so brilliant, i like it as much as oh! the places you can go. i read it straight away. then i went home and read the paper :D the free one that comes through the door, is it the havering herald? well nothing much has happened at all, apart from a church in north street has had some new windows fitted and a family in hornchurch has had their second cat shot by a rifle. the police and the rspca are, apparently, investigating. well anyway, i tidied up the dining room, removed my stuff, and pilied up the books for when i take them back to university. then in the evening, because it was the first day of rag, i borrowed a pair of my sisters scrubs and went to the party in the evening to celebrate and get into the rag-week-swing of things. everybody was dressed up and scrubs are really very comfortable, sort of socially-acceptable pyjamas. the next day i woke up and met up with tomcat, and we went walking down roman road and got ourselves breakfasts! we read the nme. the market was so fragrant, food everywhere and everybody was out in summer outfits and kids everywhere, because summers all about kids, really. i loved all the different smells... chinese food from a restaurant and brazilian churros from some stall, and other things, plus the smell of summer. everywhere was just DOORS OPEN, everybody had their doors open. i wish it could be doors open every day, like that. friendly, maternal waitresses who are so happy to bring you your juice and take away the empty plates! in the afternoon, tc went off to work on his essays, and i walked to victoria park to meet some girls from school who were having a picnic. i hadnt been to that park before and i even discovered a shortcut; i had walked the long way around! so the park is closer to me than i thought. i ate an apple and we all talked and lounged about; i got to know carly and parvin better, and although i knew parvin lived nearby, i found out that she is practically my next door neighbour! she seems like such a fun girl (although she swears a lot - its like a cheesegrater to the ears). i hope to spend more time with her. i have caught the Sun from yesterday - i go brown so quickly that it must be my race. in the evening i came back to hornchurch on the train and i called up lauren on the telephone, and arranged to go out, but went shopping first because i didnt want the fridge empty for when mum and dad came home today from that medical meeting thing theyve been at. we went out and had a nice time, despite one vile person who took a shine to us in the pub and wouldnt leave us alone. he was so creepy. what do some men hope to achieve by behaving like that? certainly not dignity. but the dj played blind melon! one of my favourite songs, that i have never heard played in a club before it is called "no rain". that was the last song i danced to before i went home. i used my lighter as a microphone, which i somewhat regret today.

i have been remembering recently about when i was in the terrible punk band all that time ago. lauren and i were reminiscing about it yesterday, and about the time my dad said could he join? and that he would play the accordian and dye his hair orange. i felt so much affection for him at that point, it sort of flooded in.

i have decided that i would like to learn to play the xylophone. in the summer, i will save up and buy one. maybe the people in musicland sell them? ill have to find out. today i have a lot to do and i expect i will do none of it! but what harm, really? theres a pub quiz on tonight at the union in aid of rag. i must round up some troops.

Thu, 22 Apr 2004 21:02:21 GMT

i went and effing finished it! wooooo!xxxx

im concerned it doesnt flow very well, but to be honest, i no longer care, as i have to revise for the test tomorrow and thats important too. well i do care, a bit. maybe later ill ask a friend to proof-read it for me, or my sister when she gets in. hope the printer will work.... hmm. i havent written a conclusion for my essay; perhaps i ought to.

im dreading the exam tomorrow; its going to be really hard, because dr shortland loves hard questions.

at the moment i look like absolute rubbish. im dying to wash my hair and tomorrow i will put on some makeup before the exam. because, like ive always said: if you're going to fail, you might as well do it in style!

Thu, 22 Apr 2004 10:18:17 GMT

rag week starts tomorrow, im quite excited. i must get a group together to go ragging sometime next week and do our bit. then next week is the rag ball, which is in a posh hotel apparently! id quite like to go.

im 1800 words into the essay now. im keen to finish it asap so that i can read my notes from this ssm to revise for the exam tomorrow, and then wash my hair and enjoy the evening.

ive been thinking a bit about friendship and trust and ive discovered that it is very easy to realise the sincere from the insincere and the wicked. people pretend to be warm and kind, and to care about you, but theyd just as sooner wish bad things on you as they would call you "sweetie".

Tue, 20 Apr 2004 15:06:50 GMT

just been to the dentist for a check up. five minutes prodding around in my mouth, counting my teeth, she got me to open and close my mouth twice, took a couple of x ray shots, and charged me £39.50! whats the 50p for? forty quid, because she can count properly?! im going into the wrong profession. its absolute daylight robbery. dental care can sometimes be vital in identifying other diseases... a lot can be picked up from the mouth. and what if somebody cant afford forty quid to go to the dentist? if my mum hadnt kindly given me the money for the appointment, i would never had been able to go.

what thieving bastards! its such a joke, dentistry. they run it like a business when it ought to be a public service, on the nhs for all concerned, with private treatment for those who wish to have it so. who is responsible for regulating these prices? is it at the dentist's own discretion? they ought to be ashamed of themselves!

Tue, 20 Apr 2004 09:51:31 GMT

im still a loser! because i STILL havent finished my essay. im only on 700 words! whats the matter with me? im going to make a cup of tea now and some toast and then get on with it. i was going to go today with tom to feed the ducks and see the new ducklings because we didnt go yesterday, but now im wondering if i should stay in till this thing is done. the quicker i finish, the quicker i can have fun. its just so hard... if i pass this ssm i will be delighted.

i am determined to finish, determined. but it seems like everythings going wrong lately.xx

Mon, 19 Apr 2004 18:30:28 GMT

im such a loser! because today and yesterday ive hardly done any work, in fact, ive hardly done any work since thursday. i have to finish this essay by wednesday or i wont have time to revise for the test on friday.

went round toms today and sang songs. i sang into a microphone for the first time, and felt like a complete fool. it feels alien, but i can imagine how it can become quite empowering after a while. when people speak into microphones, they always sound like embarrassed comedians.

i am not a comedian. tom and i talked about our relationship last night and decided that we should probably just remain the best of friends. im not sure if this is best but we are going to see how we feel and potter along carefully.

if i dont get up to 1500-2000 words tonight, i will be very cross. i have done too much lazing around and not enough homework.

i dont want to go back to east london. i want to stay here. but i will go back, probably tomorrow night. time and me dont get on very well.xx